Regret

When I think about my life, I consider myself really lucky. I’ve worked hard to get to where I am, but there have been a lot of people that helped me to pave this path I’m on. There have also been a number of serendipitous moments that I could have never planned even if I tried, be it in my professional or personal life. But, right now, really for the first time, I have a huge regret that I have no idea how I’m going to put behind me.

Five years ago, a girl walked into my life and changed it forever. I remember our first kiss, our first “date” (Tim Hortons), and a million other little moments while I was falling in love with her. It was unplanned and, for a while, a secret we kept from a lot of people due to the circumstances that I won’t go into here. There was something about her I was enamored by.

We had a lot of hiccups along the way (mostly initiated by me), but I always thought she was it, I had found the one. I didn’t want to rush it, though – there are a lot of young people who get married quickly and split up just as fast and I was afraid of that. Despite the problems, they always seemed to work itself out even though I know I didn’t make all of the changes I needed to show her I was serious about us, eventually leading to us splitting up.

Before we split, last summer right after one of my good friends from college announced he was getting married, him and I spoke for the first time in quite a while. I told him I was happy for the two of them and had a feeling I’d see something about them soon. I followed that up with “Made me think about (ex-gf’s name here) and I. You just knew knew huh?”

He didn’t respond.

The day of the wedding, we went down in the early afternoon and it turned out we got there way early. It was pretty warm, and for some reason (as I usually am), I was a grouch about it (I’m working on it). She got pretty upset and, if I had to pick a moment when our relationship started to end, it was that. Instead of playing along and enjoying the day, I was a jerk. We had a good time at the wedding, but I know this was on her mind the whole rest of the day and for days after.

Around the same time, I was really starting to think I was going to propose. I had a rough idea of what I wanted to do, when, and where. I was going to ask her dad and everything. The thing is, I felt that way a few times over the course of our relationship and, now thinking back and knowing that I really did want to spent my life with her, I truly regret not marrying her. When I asked my friend if he just knew, I guess I was looking to validate how I felt at the time from someone I was close with. He was the first close friend of mine to get married and I was nervous about the prospect of proposing, so when he didn’t answer I just didn’t do anything.

I miss her a lot lately, but I’m glad she found someone and now lives in a place I wish I never tore her away from. I have a lot of regrets from our relationship, but what hurts the most is, I know they all could have been avoided.

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