I don’t often plug my phone into my computer, but if I’m sitting at my desktop and don’t have a wall charger I plug it in. And every time I do this, I wind up scrolling through years of photos I’ve uploaded. I used to be happy looking through them, thinking about when I took them and what I was doing at that point in my life. Now, I look back and realize I messed up a lot. I completely lost someone who was my only ally. She went through hell for me every second we were together. I thought I was ok; lately I’ve been feeling, well, not good, but not terrible either, which I’m looking at as an improvement. Looking through these photos just reminded me of what I lost and how incredible she was. Everyone keeps telling me another one will come along, but I’m not so sure she’ll love me the same. I really screwed that up. I just hope I find someone who loves me half as much as she did.
In the end, I guess we were broken. Something wasn’t right; we weren’t very happy most of the time and I’m not entirely sure what would have set the ship right. Either way, I really, really hope she’s happy now. We haven’t talked in who knows how long, but I hope that since she’s packed up and started her own life that it’s exactly what she needed. She’s strong, stronger than I think she even realizes, so I probably shouldn’t worry. Which is funny, because I think that’s the way she always thought of me – strong. In reality, though, I’m a mush and I’ve been having a terrible time keeping it together.
One step at a time, I guess.